i am having a nice time

start

2009-08-14T06:39:00.000-07:00

You get in from work.
It’s six thirty in the evening.
The flat feels very quiet.

do you:

go and look in the kitchen to see if there’s anything to eat
watch TV
have a shower
look at the internet

batteries

2009-08-14T06:36:00.001-07:00

You take the clock off the wall and turn it over.
You can’t find the battery compartment.
There must be one because it didn’t have batteries in it when you bought it.
There must be a battery compartment somewhere.
You spend a long time looking for the battery compartment.
‘Fuck’s sake,’ you say under your breath.
Finally you put the clock back on the wall.

do you:

go and have a lie down
go for a walk
go and stand in the kitchen

hello

2009-08-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

You say ‘Hello?’
‘Hello?’ the woman says again.
‘Hello?’ you say.
‘Who is this?’ the woman says.
You don’t say anything.
‘Hello?’ she says again.
There is a long pause and then she hangs up.
You feel strange afterwards.
You worry that she might call back so you unplug the phone.

do you:

go for a walk
go and stand in the kitchen
have a lie down

cock

2009-08-14T06:34:00.002-07:00

You say ‘cock’ really loudly and then hang up.
You feel excited and a bit scared afterwards.
Then you start to feel bad.
Maybe she was a really nice person.
Maybe something bad was happening in her life, right then, as you called, and you just made it worse.
Maybe she was really old and you’ve scared her.
You don’t feel like being in the living room anymore.

do you:

go and stand in the kitchen
go and have a lie down

hang up

2009-08-14T06:34:00.001-07:00

You get scared and hang up the phone.
You can still hear the woman’s voice saying ‘Hello?’ in your head.
You worry that she might phone back or something so you unplug the phone.
‘I’m pathetic,’ you think.

do you:

send someone a text message
just wander around the flat trying to find something to do
go and have a lie down

no trousers

2009-08-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

You leave your trousers off and walk around the flat for a bit.
It feels good walking around with no trousers on.
After a while it stops feeling good and just feels boring.
You feel like you are pretending to have fun.
You put your trousers back on.
The knee has dried now.

do you:

try and call someone else
send a text message
have a lie down

trousers

2009-08-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

You put your trousers back on.
It feels cold and wet by your knee.
It feels kind of nice.
You imagine running the whole pair of trousers under the tap and putting them back on.
You wonder if this is some sort of fetish.
Maybe there are websites for wet trouser people.

do you:

search the internet for wet trouser fetishists
go back into the living room and call someone
have a lie down

wave

2009-08-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

You wave at the man but he is not looking at you.
He walks away.
You start thinking about the cluttered desktop again.
It feels incredibly important to delete those unused icons.

do you:

delete the unused icons (go on)
try really hard to stop worrying about the desk top and have a lie down

watch the man walk past

2009-08-14T06:29:00.002-07:00

You watch the man walk past.
You are still thinking about your cluttered desktop.
It feels extremely important to delete those unused icons.

do you:

delete the unused icons (go on)
try really hard to stop worrying about the desk top and have a lie down

keep it down

2009-08-14T06:29:00.001-07:00

You hammer on the wall and shout ‘Keep it down.’
You hear the man and woman next door saying something.
The faint music continues.
The man and woman say something else.
You wait for a long time but nothing else happens.
You feel strange and apologetic.
You wonder if they will complain about you to the council or something.

do you:

go and have a lie down
go and stand in the kitchen

head against wall

2009-08-14T06:28:00.002-07:00

You put your head against the wall and listen to the music.
It sounds like Lady Ga Ga, but you’re not sure.
The music is just too quiet to make out.
You can hear occasional voices too.
It sounds like a man and a woman talking.

do you:

hammer on the wall and shout ‘Keep it down’
stop listening and look at the internet
go and stand in the kitchen

delete the message

2009-08-14T06:28:00.001-07:00

You delete the message.
You feel very pathetic.
‘I can’t even send someone a text message anymore,’ you think.

do you:

go and stand in the kitchen
just wander around the flat trying to find something to do
have a lie down

text message

2009-08-14T06:27:00.000-07:00

You click ‘send’.
‘Great’ you think, sarcastically.
You feel about 90% sure that they won’t reply.
You feel very bored and alone.

do you:

go and stand in the kitchen
just wander around the flat trying to find something to do
have a lie down

smash the figurine

2009-08-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

You pick up the cat figurine.
It is very small.
You have always been very careful with it.
It feels very delicate.
You carefully throw it at the wall.
It bounces off the wall and lands on the carpet.
You pick it up and look at it.
One of it’s glass ears has broken off.
You think ‘Take that bitch’.
You feel very pathetic, suddenly, stood in the living room.
You put the figurine back and pretend it didn’t happen.

do you:

go on the internet
watch TV
have a lie down

smash the computer

2009-08-14T06:25:00.002-07:00

You go over to the computer.
You look at the computer for a long time.
You’re not really sure how you could smash it.
You imagine yourself picking up the monitor and throwing it across the room.
You can’t bring yourself to do it.
For it to work, you’d have to take out all the leads and things, to separate the monitor from the rest of the computer and you can’t really be bothered.
Oh well.

do you:

sit at the computer and look at the internet instead
turn on the TV
go and have a lie down

smash the TV

2009-08-14T06:25:00.001-07:00

You pick up the TV and hold it in the air.
It still has all the cables and aerial and things attached to the back of it.
You try to hold it up above your head but the cables don’t stretch that far.
You hold it up as high as you can and then drop it.
The TV falls face down onto the floor and makes a loud noise.
You don’t really feel any better.
You can’t afford a new TV.
‘Shit,’ you say, quietly, looking at the face-down TV on the carpet.

do you:

go and have a lie down
try to forget about it and look at the internet

living room

2009-08-14T06:24:00.002-07:00

You sit in the living room facing the TV.
There is probably nothing on TV.
The clock is ticking very loudly.
You listen to the clock, getting more and more annoyed by it.

do you:

put the TV on
take the batteries out of the clock

kitchen

2009-08-14T06:24:00.001-07:00

You stand in the kitchen.
It is getting dark now.
The kitchen looks bigger than usual, and kind of ominous.
You look at your reflection in the window and feel strange.
You start to wonder what you would do if someone broke in and attacked you – whether you would be brave and fight back, or just be passive and hope they went away and didn’t hurt you.
’I would probably be passive,’ you think.
It doesn’t feel very nice in the kitchen.

do you:

go and have a lie down
go and have a shower

cat again

2009-08-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

You go back out of the flat.
You go up to the car and look under it but the cat has disappeared.
You look up and down the street but you can’t see it anywhere.
Oh well.
It probably went into a garden or something, or inside for its dinner.

do you:

have a walk
go back inside and wander around the flat, hoping something happens

walk

2009-08-14T06:22:00.002-07:00

You can’t think of anywhere to walk to.
You turn left and walk down the street.
You take the first turning on the left.
You do this three more times, until you are back outside your flat again.
You feel a bit weird and embarrassed for some reason and go back inside.

do you:

put the TV on
have a shower
just wander around trying to find something else to do

looking at desktop

2009-08-14T06:22:00.001-07:00

You stare at the de-cluttered desktop for a long time.
It feels a bit like looking at a magic eye picture.
You wonder if you stare at it long enough, maybe a shape will appear – a boat or a shark or something.
You carry on staring at the desktop, cross-eyed, but no shape appears.
Oh well.
Your eyelids start to feel heavy.

do you:

go and have a nice lie down
have a shower to try and wake yourself up

sigh

2009-08-14T06:21:00.002-07:00

You touch your face with your hands and sigh.
The clock is ticking very loudly in the room.
You can smell your breath a bit as you breathe into your hands.
It smells stale and acidy.
You wonder if you should eat something, maybe.
The clock sounds really loud.

do you:

go into the kitchen and see if there is something to eat
take the batteries out of the clock

prank call

2009-08-14T06:21:00.001-07:00

You dial a random number and wait.
You feel a bit excited.
The number doesn’t work.
It is just a series of beeps and then a recorded voice that says, ‘Please hang up and try again.’
You hang up and try again.
This time it rings.
It rings for a long time, and you are about to hang up when a woman’s voice says, ‘Hello?’

do you:

get scared and hang up
say ‘cock’ really loudly and then hang up
just say ‘Hello’ and see what happens

nice time (boiler)

2009-08-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

You try to forget about the boiler.
‘Just relax,’ you tell yourself occasionally.
You keep thinking about the boiler.
How is someone supposed to live in a flat with no hot water?

do you:

put the TV on and forget about it
say ‘Stop panicking’ to yourself and go and look at the internet instead

stain

2009-08-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

You go into the bathroom and take off your trousers.
You hold the stain close to your face and look at it.
It is definitely ketchup.
You run the stain under the tap for a bit and rub at it with your finger.
It goes away, mostly.
There is just a small mark.
No one would notice unless they were looking really hard.
Well done.

do you:

put your trousers back on
leave them off and walk around in your boxer shorts for a bit

look out of the window

2009-08-14T06:05:00.002-07:00

You get up and look out of the window.
It is just getting dark.
You watch a man walk past on the opposite side of the street.
He is wearing shorts and a t-shirt, even though it isn’t shorts-and-t-shirt weather.
You are still thinking about your cluttered desktop.

do you:

just watch the man walk past
try to wave at the man
delete the unused icons on your desktop

wander around the flat

2009-08-14T06:05:00.001-07:00

You wander around the flat.
You go in and out of the living room.
You go in and out of the kitchen.
In the bathroom, you stop and have a piss.
You leave the bathroom and stand in the hall.
You can hear pop music, coming very quietly from next door.

do you:

put your head against the wall and listen to the music
hammer on the wall and shout ‘Keep it down’

text message

2009-08-14T06:04:00.002-07:00

You take out your phone and type a text message.
You type ‘Hi u busy this evening?’
You scroll through your list of contacts for someone to send it to.

do you:

send it to Dave from work
send it to your friend Melissa
send it to your ex-girlfriend whose number you still haven’t deleted
delete the message and feel pathetic

smash something

2009-08-14T06:04:00.001-07:00

You look around the living room for something to smash.
You look at your TV, your computer, and a little glass cat figurine that was a present from your ex-girlfriend.

do you:

smash the TV
smash the computer
smash the glass cat figurine

blank email

2009-08-14T06:03:00.002-07:00

You click send.
The email takes a long time to send.
It just says ‘sending’.
You are about to close the browser when it sends.
You click ‘view sent message’ and look at the blank email.
You think about your ex-girlfriend, receiving the blank email, maybe later on tonight or tomorrow morning at work.

do you:

search for something on google
log off

give up

2009-08-14T06:03:00.001-07:00

You say ‘Sorry about that’ to the man behind the counter.
You walk slowly back to the flat.
On the way you pass a cat.
The cat is half sticking out from under a car.
You bend down to stroke it but it moves further under the car.
It watches you as you go back into your flat.
You stand in the hall and feel a bit confused.

do you:

go and look at the cat again
go and stand in the kitchen
sit in the living room

back in a minute

2009-08-14T06:02:00.002-07:00

You tell the man you’ll be back in a minute and walk quickly back to the flat.
You look in all the places you would have left your wallet.
You can’t find it anywhere.
‘Fuck,’ you say repeatedly as you look for it.
You search for a long time.
No wallet anywhere.
It is definitely lost.

do you:

get angry and smash something
forget about it and try to call someone
forget about it and have a lie down

unused icons

2009-08-14T06:02:00.001-07:00

You delete the unused icons on your desktop.
It feels very good deleting them.
Well done.
After you have finished deleting the unused icons, you feel calm and happy.

do you:

just carry on sitting there, looking at the de-cluttered desktop
go out for a walk

Call someone

2009-08-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

You call Dave from work.
It just rings.
You call your friend Melissa.
It just rings.
You can’t think of anyone else to call.

do you:

dial a random number and make a prank call
touch your face with your hands for a bit and sigh

girlfriend email

2009-08-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

You click ‘compose new message’ and type in your ex-girlfriend’s email address.
She has a strange email address.
You never really liked it.
It sounds corny and a bit immature.
You try to think of something to type.
You type ‘hi’ and then delete it.
You sit there looking at the blank screen for a long time.

do you:

click ‘send’ and just send her a blank email
search for something on google
log off

message for landlord

2009-08-14T05:59:00.002-07:00

You leave a message for the landlord about the boiler.
You try to sound professional.
You use the voice you use sometimes at work, when you are on the phone.
‘Oh god,’ you think, as you hear yourself speaking.
There was a problem last year with the washing machine, that the landlord still hasn’t sorted out.
You hang up.
The boiler is probably not going to be fixed for a long time.

do you:

call someone else
just forget about it and have a nice time

stay in shower

2009-08-14T05:59:00.001-07:00

You stay in the shower.
You start to shiver and your teeth chatter.
You wonder if your penis might actually retract completely into your body, like an animal’s.
You look at your tiny, cold penis in the shower.
‘Oh god,’ you say.
It is very cold.
Eventually you can’t stand it any more and get out of the shower.
You dry yourself with a towel.
You catch sight of yourself in the mirror.
You are making a strange, grimacing face.
You put your clothes back on.

do you:

phone your landlord to make a complaint about the boiler
just forget about it and have a nice time

get out of shower

2009-08-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

You get out of the shower and dry yourself with a towel.
You look at your face and chest in the small bathroom mirror as you dry yourself.
‘I look strange,’ you think.
You put your clothes back on.
It is the third time this week that the hot water hasn’t worked.
‘I just want hot water,’ you say out loud.

do you:

phone your landlord to make a complaint about the boiler
just forget about it and have a nice time

phone waiting

2009-08-14T05:57:00.002-07:00

You listen to the easy listening music and the intermittent message.
It just goes round on a loop.
‘Any second now,’ you think occasionally.
It feels very important that you make a complaint.
Ten minutes passes.

do you:

carry on waiting
hang up

hang up

2009-08-14T05:57:00.001-07:00

You hang up the phone.
It suddenly seems very quiet in the flat.
A small nervous feeling appears in your stomach.
You notice a stain on your trousers, by the knee.
It looks like ketchup.
You lick your finger and rub it but it doesn’t go away.

do you:

call someone else
try and wash the stain off your trousers

crisps

2009-08-14T05:56:00.002-07:00

You take the packet of crisps and the mars bar to the counter.
The man smiles at you.
You say, ‘Hi,’ to the man.
The man doesn’t say anything.
You put your hand in your back pocket for your wallet and realise that it isn’t there.
You say, ‘I’m really sorry about this but it looks like I’ve forgotten my wallet,’ to the man at the counter.
The man doesn’t say anything.

do you:

tell the man you’ll be back in a minute and go and look for your wallet
just give up and go home

frozen pizza

2009-08-14T05:56:00.001-07:00

You take the frozen pizza to the counter.
The man smiles at you.
You say, ‘Hi,’ to the man.
The man doesn’t say anything.
You put your hand in your back pocket for your wallet and realise that it isn’t there.
You say, ‘I’m really sorry about this but it looks like I’ve forgotten my wallet,’ to the man at the counter.
The man doesn’t say anything.

do you:

tell the man you’ll be back in a minute and go and look for your wallet
just give up and go home

pot noodle

2009-08-14T05:55:00.002-07:00

You take the pot noodle to the counter.
The man smiles at you.
You say, ‘Hi,’ to the man.
The man doesn’t say anything.
You put your hand in your back pocket for your wallet and realise that it isn’t there.
You say, ‘I’m really sorry about this but it looks like I’ve forgotten my wallet,’ to the man at the counter.
The man doesn’t say anything.

do you:

tell the man you’ll be back in a minute and go and look for your wallet
just give up and go home

lie down

2009-08-14T05:55:00.001-07:00

You go into the bedroom.
It’s dark in the bedroom.
You don’t open the curtains or anything.
You take off your shirt and trousers and lie down on top of the covers.
You lie there for a long time, thinking about things..
You think about: your job, your ex-girlfriend, an article in the Metro you read on the bus this morning, and a person at work called Clare who you think is trying to get you fired.
Eventually you fall asleep.

END

log off

2009-08-14T05:54:00.002-07:00

You log off the internet.
You sit there looking at the computer screen.
There are a lot of unused icons on your desktop.
You think about deleting some of the unused icons.
You feel unsure whether or not to delete the unused icons.
It suddenly feels like a big decision.

do you:

delete the unused icons on your desktop
get up and look out of the window

nice time

2009-08-14T05:54:00.001-07:00

You turn off the TV.
You try to have a nice time.
The flat is very quiet and empty.
It is hard to have a nice time.
You feel a vague feeling of boredom.
You picture yourself, sitting in the chair, facing the turned-off TV, and think ‘Oh dear.’

do you:

send someone a text message
just wander around the flat trying to find something to do

email

2009-08-14T05:53:00.002-07:00

You try and think of someone to email.
The only person you can think of to email is your ex-girlfriend.
You don’t feel like writing her an email.
The last time you wrote her an email it was very bitter and you felt bad afterwards.
Oh dear.

do you:

email her anyway
search for something on google
log off

boiler complaint

2009-08-14T05:53:00.001-07:00

You phone your landlord to complain about the boiler.
It rings and then goes to answer phone.
Your landlord has a strange, low voice.
Every time you’ve met him, he’s made you feel uncomfortable.
He breathes through his nose when he speaks.
It is hard to understand his answer phone message.

do you:

hang up
leave a message

cold shower

2009-08-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

You get in the shower.
It’s very cold in the shower.
‘This is rubbish,’ you think.
You look down at your penis.
It looks very small.
It looks smaller than normal.
It makes you think of your ex-girlfriend, for some reason.

do you:

get out of the shower
carry on standing in the shower

TV complaint

2009-08-14T05:51:00.002-07:00

You phone the TV people.
An easy-listening version of the Robbie Williams song ‘Angels’ plays on a loop.
Occasionally the music stops and a recorded voice says, ‘Please be patient. We are experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment. One of our operators will be with you as soon as possible.’

do you:

hang up
carry on waiting

shop

2009-08-14T05:51:00.001-07:00

You go to the corner shop near your flat.
Good idea.
You walk around the shop and look at all the nice things.
The man behind the counter smiles at you.

do you:

buy a pot noodle
buy a frozen pizza
buy a packet of crisps and a mars bar

pears and bread

2009-08-14T05:50:00.002-07:00

You open the tin of pears.
You get a plate and put a couple of slices of bread on it.
You put the pears in the bread and make a pear sandwich.
The bread goes very soggy and sort of falls apart as you try and eat the sandwich.
The sandwich doesn’t taste very nice.
You start to feel a bit ill and put it in the bin.

do you:

go and have a lie down
go to the shop and buy something nice instead

bread

2009-08-14T05:50:00.001-07:00

You eat a slice of the dry bread.
After a couple of bites you notice it has bits of mould on it.
You say, ‘Fuck’s sake,’ and put it in the bin.

do you:

eat the tin of pears
go to the shop and buy something nice

pears

2009-08-14T05:49:00.001-07:00

You open the tin of pears and eat them with a fork.
They don’t taste very nice.
Oh well.

do you:

eat some of the bread
go to the shop and buy something nice

internet

2009-08-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

You turn on the computer.
It takes a long time to turn on.
Eventually it turns on.
You connect to the internet.
You check your emails.
You have no new emails.

do you:

email someone
search for something on google
log off

Shower

2009-08-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

You go to the bathroom.
You take off your clothes and fold them up and put them on the toilet.
You turn on the shower.
The water takes a long time to get hot.
It is not getting hot for some reason.
You wait for about ten minutes, just standing there with your hand under the water, waiting for it to get hot.
Nothing happens.
This is the third time this week that the hot water hasn’t worked.
It is a problem with the boiler or something.

do you:

have a cold shower
phone your landlord to complain

TV

2009-08-14T05:46:00.000-07:00

You turn on the TV.
There is nothing on the TV.
Absolutely nothing.
You flick through the channels and it is just static.
Oh dear.

do you:

phone the TV people and complain
just turn off the TV and try to have a nice time

kitchen

2009-08-14T05:44:00.001-07:00

You look in the fridge.
There’s nothing in the fridge.
You look in the cupboards.
There’s a loaf of bread in one and a tin of sliced pears in the other.

do you:

eat the pears on their own
eat some slices of bread
eat the pears on the bread
go to the shop